


Heart and Mind

by OneWord



Series: The Life of a Hacker and an Edgelord [1]
Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Choicest Week, Kiss No. 1: Under the Stars, M/M, Theme: 7 Kisses in the Life of a Hacker and an Edgelord, choicest, free prompt, last day of choicest week i am shame, more will be explained as it comes lol, saecest, take it anyways, this will actually be a prequel to a future choicest fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 06:21:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11307507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneWord/pseuds/OneWord
Summary: Theme: 4 times the hacker kissed the edgelord. 2 times the edgelord kissed the hacker. And 1 time the hacker and edgelord kissed each other.Kiss No. 1: Saeyoung tries to give Saeran the sky. Saeran tries to learn how to accept that.





	Heart and Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This fic does not have 1 chapter, it has 8. How do I show that... dear, AO3 noob T_T
> 
> Edit: Hahah, nvm, I just turned it into a series instead lol

Saeran wanted to see the sky.

 

Saeyoung desperately wanted to give it to him.

 

“Ask me in a month?” Saeyoung suggested feebly. But he refused to insult Saeran by avoiding his eyes.

 

“It’s been two,” Saeran calmly replied, from the counter he was perched on, wrapping one arm folded against his chest. He gave Saeyoung an intense, cloaked stare. “I’m taking all my meds. I may wake up from nightmares still, but I haven’t destroyed any of _your_ precious things lately.” He accompanied it with a mocking smirk. “Do I need to be more of a good boy for you?”

 

Saeyoung felt his breath catch in his throat and he choked on it.  “This isn’t about good or bad behavior!” he huffed, ruffling his hair.  “Just give it one more month. Ask me then and I…” He took a step towards Saeran, but only one. “…I promise, we’ll see the sky.”

 

Saeran’s fingers begin to drum on his knee. “What if I don’t want you to come with me?”

 

Saeyoung’s shoulders slumped.  “Can I at least put a tracker on you?”

 

Saeran let his legs dangle from the counter, leaning towards Saeyoung. “Put it on my clothes, I’ll throw it in a bonfire. Put it in my skin, I’ll tear it out with my teeth.”  His voice didn’t have the unstable edge that it used to have when he first brought Saeran home—teetering as if his voice didn’t know how it was supposed to sound.

 

It just sounded. So deceivingly calm.  Apathetic. 

 

Honestly, Saeyoung knew Saeran was just so damn tired of being angry. Of having no control.

 

“What if I promise not to leave you?” Saeran scathingly asked.

 

Saeran knew exactly where to hit him to make it fucking _hurt_. Saeyoung swallowed down the pain, focusing on the solid lines that said Saeran was _here_ and _with him_.

 

Saeyoung felt that ache throw off his heartbeat, making it pick up in response to his anxiety.

 

He forced himself not to cover his chest with a hand.

 

“You won’t know I’m there,” he focused on saying instead. “I’ll follow you at a distance. Anywhere within…” he paused, doing quick calculations for programming in his head. A mile for every day? How many days are in this month? He can prepare everything today, and start first thing at 12am. So… “…a 30-mile radius. For as long as you want…please.” Despite the weakness in his voice, his stare held no argument. “Agree to this and…and in a month, go ahead and ask me again.”

 

For some reason, that made Saeran seem to _freeze_ in time, eyes widened and body poised slightly towards Saeyoung.  Then, slowly, he sees his twin raise a hand to place a palm over his chest—where his heart was. Saeran’s eyes widened further.

 

Saeyoung’s eyes widened as well. 

 

And his thoughts seemed to…just _freeze_ with Saeran.

 

A moment passed just like that, ending as Saeran finally dropped his hand. 

 

“Fine.” Saeyoung watched as Saeran hopped off the counter, feet soundless as it got back onto even ground.  “Whatever.”  He started to make his way past Saeyoung. “What do you want for dinner?” he asked, walking past Saeyoung.

 

Saeyoung felt like the unexpected change of topics gave him whiplash.  He almost spun on his heel to look at his brother’s retreating back. “H…uh?”

 

Saeran look over his shoulder so that one eye was glaring, unamused, at Saeyoung. “What. Do you. Want. For dinner?”

 

Saeyoung blinked and, unable to help it—“How can you make something so sweet sound so sour?”—he pouted.

 

Saeran gave a long-suffering sigh, Saeyoung catching an eye roll before his brother disappeared into the kitchen.  “Spaghetti, it is.”

 

Saeyoung _really_ couldn’t help it now. “But spaghetti is just noodles drenched in the blood of tomatoes!” he whined.

 

“Then eat your damn Buddha Chips for all I care!” Saeran yelled back, before the grumbles of, “Damn idiot,” reached Saeyoung’s ears.

 

It was sweet, sweet music to his brain. 

 

* * *

 

Saeran knew it was 2am, but even then, all he could bring himself to do was fold his arms behind his head and look up blankly at the ceiling.

 

The darkness was speckled with glow-in-the-dark smiley stickers that Saeyoung said would “help Saeran smile”. Saeran was tired of living in shadows anyways—metaphorical or literal—so he allowed it. Even at the price of Saeyoung looking so damn _happy_ at being able to give him something as stupid as personalized stickers and nightlight.

 

But as if that wasn’t enough, Saeyoung had the gall to install a Longcat lava-nightlight that would chase around the shadows with the same glee depicted on the smileys.

 

No matter how stubbornly Saeran tried to scowl, he couldn’t help the twitch at the corner of his lips or the amusement that would make a home, unbidden, in his chest.

 

His chest…

 

Saeran slipped one arm from beneath his head to his chest, where all he could feel was his steady heartbeat.

 

He closed his eyes as he tried to reach out to that feeling from earlier before, wanting that strangeness of his second heartbeat—what he considered _the_ Heartbeat—at the tip of his fingertips.

 

_Ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump…_

 

There.

 

Saeran allowed a smile as he kept his hand there, finally able to let himself breathe easy.

 

He took his other hand out from behind his head and spread it out beside him, just listening to the steady pulse rhythmically beating beside his own. It was welcoming, as if trying to cradle Saeran in nothing but safety and warmth.

 

It really helped after a nightmare.

 

It helped him from begging Saeyoung to take over the Heartbeat’s job, to wrap those arms around him again as they had after his last suicide attempt. No matter how many times Saeyoung would simply open his door after every nightmare, silently setting himself up on the floor and staying vigilant over Saeran…

 

…No matter how many nights passed that way, Saeran would rather clench his hands against his chest than…

 

Saeran’s breath stuttered and he pressed harder against his chest, grasping desperately for the Heartbeat to keep his mind from spiraling.

 

_BA-DUMP…BA-DUMP…BA-DUMP…_

 

Saeran felt himself breath again.

 

“No,” he was able to murmur to himself, getting his thoughts back on track. Saeran didn’t want Saeyoung’s touch like that. (He ignored the voice inside him whispering _Not yet_ )

 

He was scared of Saeyoung. He could admit that to himself now.

 

Maybe before, it was about hating him, but now that he has his (“ _It’s called autonomy, Saeran,_ ” MC had told him, tears in her eyes even as she smiled at him) back—for the most part—he wasn’t sure if it ever was.  It was never his decision to make.

 

Either way, the moment Saeyoung tried to stop the—his lips curled in disgust— _savior_ from torturing him again…

 

…It stopped being about hating him.   

 

It was about being fucking _terrified_ of what Saeyoung was capable of destroying if Saeran let him in again.

 

But this Heartbeat…doing nothing but simply comforting him…he had nothing to be scared of.

 

_BA-DUMP…BA-DUMP…BA-DUMP…_

 

His fingertips thrummed with the soothing song of that strange, strange Heartbeat. 

 

Saeran let himself smile as he began to be lulled by its melody.

 

He loosened his hold and let the heartbeat drift away with him in the land of dreams.

 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

 

_Don’t leave me._

 

* * *

 

Saeyoung was going to keep his damn promise this time even if he barely fucking slept for the next 30 days.

 

But in the meanwhile…

 

 _“You need…209 projectors_ ,” Jumin said, as if he was already dealing with a headache.

 

It was funnier when Saeyoung could only hear a disembodied voice through his cell phone.

 

“Ya,” Saeyoung chirped, twirling in his chair. “I sent the specifics through email.  When is the soonest I can pick it up? An hour? You just need an hour, right?”

 

Jumin made the loudest exhale Saeyoung has heard from him. Enough that Saeyoung had to pull his phone away. He was proud of himself for this feat. Not even Zen could claim that and—Saeyoung grinned—he’d be sooo jealous.

 

“ _Explain your need for 209 projectors,_ ” Jumin demanded in what should’ve been a question.

 

Exactly what Saeyoung was waiting for. “Because that’s how much I need to cover every inch of the living room and hallways and even bathroom.” He made a deliberate pause. “Including Saeran’s room.”

 

“ _I should have known,_ ” Jumin said, dryly, and Saeyoung pumped his fist in the air. “ _Fine. I can have it for you in an hour._ ”

 

“Wa~hoo!” Saeyoung cheered. “This calls for Elly cuddles!” 

 

Two beeps of an abruptly ended call was his only response.  Saeyoung lol-ed to himself before stuffing a duck’s mouth worth of Buddha chips against his lips and getting back to work. His eyes were straining and he felt his heartrate stay at an elevated pace due to being overworked. Admittedly, it has been a while since he’s reached levels where his heartbeat felt off, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle.

 

_Clack!_

 

Especially when he has his brother delivering de-li-cious smelling kimchi fried rice next to him.

 

“Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung sniffed, not even having to pull out alligator tears as he tearfully looked starry-eyed at his beautiful, scowling twin. “You’re an angel.”

 

Saeran’s left eye legit _twitched_. “Shut. Up. Asshole.” he ground out through clenched teeth. He decided to drop the rest of his curses as Saeyoung starting to dig into his food, happily chewing away with his two lone duck-lip chips thrown beside his keyboard.

 

“But you ahr an anhel,” Saeyoung insisted between satisfying his poor, abused colon.

 

Saeran just flipped the bird at Saeyoung—(“So meean…but I still love you!”)—as he turned his attention to the new project Saeyoung was working on.

 

He quickly took notes of the map Saeyoung had pulled up, some routes highlighted while others were marked with X’s all across.  There were several CCTV feeds and he could recognize some of streets and corners the hacker had squared away on the screen. There were multiples of images, all of them covering up to a 1-mile radius surrounding the basement. As far as he could tell, Saeyoung was able to suitably map out south to east so far.

 

It was…so different, but _not different at all_ to the papers that Saeyoung would hide in loose floorboards at their mother’s hellhole—each one detailing shortcuts, timelines, and blindspots just in case their mother would come driving back home earlier than expected.

 

Bittersweet nostalgia weighed heavy in Saeran’s chest.

 

That was when he realized how strange it felt. 

 

The Heartbeat. 

 

Just like last night, while talking to Saeyoung about going outside…it felt _off_. It wasn’t painful, at least, and it didn’t give him a tang of anxiety like that time.

 

But his fingertips felt _fatigued_ and it made him frown.

 

“Saeran?”

 

The quiet, gentle call of his name brought Saeran’s vision into focus, finally able to see the concerned golden eyes now focused on him, kimchi fried rice seemingly forgotten.

 

Saeran silently returned his brother’s stare, not taking away his hand away from his chest (when did he do that?), feeling his normal heartrate versus the _not right_ Heartbeat.

 

He could feel his own agitation rising as it didn’t go away, this time a constant erratic pattern. It was similar to how he’d feel after working 24 hours straight back in…

 

Saeran felt like his brain was splitting into two.

 

_No._

 

“You…” At that one, trembling word, Saeyoung was immediately on alert, back straightened and eyes focused solely on Saeran. “…Haven’t slept at all, have you.”

 

Of all the questions…Saeyoung blinked.

 

“I napped for thirty minutes two hours ago,” he explained, confused.  “My next nap is scheduled in another hour.”

 

Saeran shook his head, the blankness in his eyes emphasized by its enlarged size.  “Give me your hand,” he hissed, only _just_ able to stop himself from screaming and throwing the lunch he made for Saeyoung _at_ Saeyoung.

 

Without question, but with wariness, Saeyoung held out his hand.

 

But at the sight of Saeyoung’s bared wrist, Saeran felt himself falter.

 

What if it is what he thinks it is?

 

_What if it is what he thinks it is?_

 

Saeyoung, quite literally, took hold of the situation.

 

“You want to feel my heartbeat, right?” Saeyoung asked quietly, taking Saeran’s fingers in his and pressing exactly where Saeran can feel a familiar sound right at his fingertips.  “Just like before.”

 

**Familiar…**

 

Saeran could remember walking beneath open skies with Saeyoung, eyes on the clouds and arms holding tightly onto his brother like a life line.

 

_BA-DUMP…_

 

He could still hear Saeyoung’s laughter as he made sure Saeran wouldn’t trip over anything.

 

_BA-DUMP…_

 

Saeran could remember the relief, the gratitude of Saeyoung carefully untying him, gently massaging the reddened area and checking to make sure there’d be no infection.

 

_BA-DUMP…_

 

He could still feel Saeyoung’s lips as he kissed his wound, saying his kiss was to keep away permanent marks.

 

_BA-DUMP…_

 

And as he felt something inside him break (is that all he is? Is that all he is good at?), he could remember hours— _nights_ —spent with Saeyoung’s hand against his chest and his hand wrapped around Saeyoung’s wrist, just to make sure…

 

…Just to make sure the other was _alive_.

 

“Saeran?” Saeyoung said, scared now. He doesn’t complain at all at the iron-clad clasp Saeran has around his wrist, his own hand raised instead and lying gingerly, then firmly on Saeran’s shoulder.

 

Saeran registers Saeyoung standing close to him, he registers the touch, but he can only truly focus on the wrist in his hands. The wrist housing the Heartbeat he was so desperately clinging onto for sanity these past weeks.

 

**Heartbeat…**

 

The warmth he felt from the Heartbeat wasn’t because it was some abstract entity.

 

The warmth was because that Heartbeat belonged to _Saeyoung’s_.

 

“Get away from me!” Saeran screamed, in a way he hasn’t in a while. Not since when he threw Saeyoung’s stuff against the ground. But it felt good.

 

It felt _safe_.

 

“Saeran,” Saeyoung whispers like a plea, his face crumpling as if he’s watching the blood pour from Saeran’s wrists again.

 

“Don’t.” He threw Saeyoung’s hands away from him. “Fucking.” He violently slapped away the other hand until it bounced off Saeyoung’s hips. “Touch.” He stumbled away. “ME!” Then he ran.

 

The slam of his bedroom door banged throughout the hallways.

 

And he told himself it was _satisfaction_ he felt as he retreated from the golden eyes begging him to stay.

 

* * *

 

It was the night he killed himself—(the night his brother hugged him)—when he first felt it.

 

He didn’t really care what it was at first.

 

It came and went and Saeran had no energy to pay it more than idle observation. It was just one more thing he had no control over and it didn’t do anything more than beat beside his own heart.

 

But soon enough, it came more frequently. And after it came more frequently, it lasted longer.

 

That was when he agreed to take the pills Saeyoung got from the hospital. It was to experiment with whether or not it would disappear, he told himself at the time.

 

He realizes, now, a part of him _knew_ it would do the exact opposite instead.

 

He did _not_ care how Saeyoung’s face lit up with hope, he told himself at the time.

 

He did.

 

Steadily, from there, it became louder in his ears. It became stronger on his skin. It came under his control, allowing him to summon it at will and let it drift off whenever he let it.

 

It became more precious to him than his own heartbeat.

 

It was why he would try his damndest to hide it from Saeyoung. Sometimes it was hard, like last night after telling Saeyoung he wanted to see the sky—the pain he felt from the Heartbeat so _vivid_ that it took his breath away.

 

It was moments like those where he was even more stubborn to keep it his secret. After all, his dumb brother would go on high alert and fret over this second heartbeat.

 

“ _Saeyoung?”_

_“Yeah, Saeran?”_

 

No. He wouldn’t.

 

_“Do you…feel a heartbeat sometimes? Not your own, but…”_

_“Are you asking this because you feel mine?”_

 

He would’ve known exactly what was happening.

 

_“Oh! So it is yours?”_

_“It’s mine. Just like the outside thoughts I get is yours.”_

 

And Saeran knew that.

 

_“Why do we feel that from each other?”_

_“I told you already. Because you’re me. And I’m you.”_

 

Last night, when he told Saeyoung he wanted to see the sky again…that was the third strongest he felt it. To a point where he felt a flash of pain, the release of _something_ that spiked anxiety within him for a hot second.

 

The second strongest was just a couple minutes ago, when exhaustion of a sleepless night took a toll on Saeyoung’s body.

 

The first strongest…

 

“Go away!” Saeran screeched, clutching at his chest, the other tearing down a poster of a cheetah Saeyoung had put up.

 

Everything in his room had an _essence_ of his twin.

 

And speak of the devil…

 

“No,” Saeyoung said barely at speaking voice. He was merely standing at the doorway, never tearing his _sad fucking eyes_ from Saeran.

 

Saeran let out a wordless scream as he began throwing every trinket Saeyoung gifted him to the floor. But worst of all— _worst of all_ —

 

There was the Heartbeat. Thrumming without fail beside his own heart, the rhythm roaring painfully in his ears. There was the fatigue he felt all the way in his fucked-up brain. And now, there was this pain he felt electrifying his fingertips. The Heartbeat…was hurting.

 

His brother was hurting.

 

“Damn…” Saeran stood in the middle of the destruction he caused. Broken glass. Shredded paper. Jagged metal. Malfunctioning electronics. His brother on his knees with the kitty Rumba he created, turning it on so that it could erase the physical remains of his breakdown. “Damn it,” he choked out through gritted teeth. He stood on shaking knees, raising one hand to grasp his chest.

 

The Heartbeat was still there.

 

Telling him just how much agony he was giving Saeyoung.

 

“Saeran,” he heard his brother say. There wasn’t an ounce of anger. Not an ounce of judgement. Only…”Don’t move until Zenny cleans up the glass, okay? I don’t want any of it to puncture your feet.”

 

“ _Meow!_ ” chirped Zenny. “ _Leave it to me!_ ”

 

Saeran wanted to pull out his damn hair.  “You should want it to!”  So, doubling over at the knees—eyes tightly clenched—he did.

 

“Hey, stop that,” Saeyoung said, sounding stern this time, hands interrupting the burning at his scalp.

 

When Saeran felt Saeyoung firmly pull away his hands and replace it with a gentle massage through his hair, Saeran’s eyes slowly opened.

 

Which quickly turned into snapping them wide open when he saw Saeyoung’s sock-clad feet surrounded by glass shards of his kitten snow globe (what the hell is with his brother and cats).

 

It made him slap Saeyoung’s hands away for the nth time and scowl ferociously up at him. “Your _feet_ , you hypocritical _idiot_.” He would push Saeyoung away from him but…Zenny was too damn slow. “Zenny!” he snapped and to the sight of Saeyoung smiling at the cutsey name _finally_ leaving his lips—“You, shut up.”

 

“ _Kitty Zenny to the rescue—meow!_ ” Zenny jumped over to where they were, sitting at their feet. “ _What can Kitty Zenny do for Angel Saeran?_ ”

 

Saeran closed his eyes as Saeyoung inappropriately giggled. Then, he took—(“I understand the desire to strangle Saeyoung,” Jaehee had sympathized. “But instead try to take a deliberate inhale, hold it for three seconds, then exhale.”)—and growled, “Don’t call me that.”

 

Zenny jumped in place, the glass crushing a bit beneath his paws. “ _Saeyoung has programmed me not to listen to that order, Beautiful Saeran!_ ”

 

Saeran hated how even his _neck_ began to heat up at that. “Just clean up the damn glass, you trash!” Ignoring Zenny’s positive mews, he tried to put the fear of God in Saeyoung with just one stare. “You’re a narcissist.”

 

From the painfully loving smile Saeyoung gave him, he knew it didn’t work.

 

Honestly, with the expressions their mother made, Saeran knew he had no chance.

 

“For programming Zenny to call you beautiful?” Saeyoung rubbed his chest, where his heart would be. “That doesn’t mean I’m being narcissistic, Saeran-ah,” he replied, smiling even amongst the destruction Saeran caused.

 

Saeran refused to back down from the sincerity of Saeyoung’s shining golden eyes. _How could you look at me like that?_

He backed down.

 

“Why aren’t you _tired_ of me yet?” Saeran forced past the lump in his throat, averting his eyes away from Saeyoung. He suddenly felt so damn _weak_ and all he wanted was to just…

 

“Stop,” Saeyoung said and Saeran felt his brother’s head on his shoulder, cherry locks tickling his ear. One hand reached down to feel Saeran’s hand in his. “Please. Don’t think like that. I don’t care if you burn this entire _basement_ to the ground. Alright? None of this—“ Saeyoung threw his free hand out to the side. “—means anything to me if you’re not a part of it.” He brought back that hand to clutch at Saeran’s bicep. “Please don’t think that.”

 

Saeran almost raised his hand to feel Saeyoung’s locks between his fingers.  Almost.  God, why did everything inside himself have to conflict with each other?

 

_Ba-dump…ba-dump…ba-dump…_

 

The relief Saeran felt was overwhelming that it took his breath away.  The Heartbeat…it had an edge of fatigue to it, which wasn’t going to change any time soon, but…there wasn’t any electrifying pain at least. It felt…better.

 

 _I’m glad_ , his thoughts whispered. “I hate this,” he voiced instead.

 

Saeyoung pulled back and Saeran tried not to imprint Saeyoung’s scent in his olfactory organs.  He told himself it’s because he didn’t care.

 

He tried to tell himself it’s not because he’s afraid he would forget it again.

 

“Do you want…?” he left his words hanging, his thumb rubbing Saeran’s arm.

 

“No.” Saeran stepped out of Saeyoung’s reach.

 

“Saeran…” Saeyoung tried to step towards—“Aah! Shit, shit shit!”

 

“Saeyoung, you shit!” Saeran frantically burst out with, dropping to his knees and putting Saeyoung’s foot on his lap. He felt his hands tremble as he his fingers came away with blood.

 

“I’m alright, I’m alright!” Saeyoung yelped, hissing as he put more pressure on his other leg.

 

“Stop moving, idiot!” Saeran yelped back, helplessly looking between both injured feet.

 

“ _Saeyoung and precious Saeran!_ ” Zenny came bounding towards the two, stopping where Saeran was kneeling down. _“Kitty Zenny is done with cleaning meow! Would you like the statistics of my stomach contents, meow?_ ”

 

“Good—hah—Zenny, we’re good,” Saeyoung found the time to pant out. Saeran’s hands brushed against the biggest shard stuck in his skin and he bit back a curse. “Switch to Code: Saeran needs kisses.”

 

“ _Oh mew! Feel better spicy Saeran!_ ” lamented Zenny. He curled into a sleeping position and closed his eyes. His back popped open before he gave one last purr, the whirring noise stopping as all lights shut down. 

 

“Saeran-ah,” Saeyoung said, running his hand through his younger twin’s hair. He frowned as he noticed Saeran not moving, simply holding his foot with one hand as he seemed to stare at the other, fingers gleaming a violent red with Saeyoung’s blood.  “Are you okay? Is it the blood?”

 

“Will you be able to stay in this position while I get you a chair to sit in?” Saeran simply asked, his voice giving away nothing.

 

But the mantra of _I hurt him_ running rampant in Saeyoung’s head gave away everything. He couldn’t capture the other thoughts, but those three words rang as loud as a siren in his head. He winced as he felt the guilt and self-hatred ruminate in on itself with every repeat.

 

“Hey,” Saeyoung said, gentle now. “It’s just some glass. I feel bad for the Ellyglobe, but least you didn’t go after your Longcat-lavalight.” He knew his attempts sucked, but the only reason why he kept at it after every meltdown—big or small—was because of the small whisper of gratitude making its way through their connection.

 

“Saeyoung,” Saeran asked, sounding _so tired_ and Saeyoung just wanted to wrap his arms around his brother. “Will you?”

 

Saeyoung sighed in defeat. “Ya. I will.” He watches as Saeran carefully lets go, pausing to make sure Saeyoung could support himself, before he got onto his feet. But even then, Saeran avoided his eyes as he turned to get the nearest chair.

 

“Here.” Saeran rolled his computer chair over (“It even has—da-da-da-dah—lumbar support!” Saeyoung had cheered so embarrassingly, while insistently pulling on Saeran’s arm) and kept it steady with his torso. He put his hands under Saeyoung’s armpits and slowly guided him down onto the chair.

 

Once Saeyoung was settled, Saeran was back sitting in front of him, tending to his feet. He pulled out tweezers and positioned Saeyoung’s foot so he could clearly see the damage. All the while still keeping his head down, hair cloaking his eyes from Saeyoung’s line of sight.

 

Saeyoung slumped in his chair.

 

 _I hate myself_ now replaced the _I hurt him_ and he wished their weird twin connection would let him beat every single one of those thoughts from Saeran’s head.

 

“I think your socks kept out the small shards,” Saeran explained monotonously. “It’s the big ones that got through.”

 

Saeyoung couldn’t take the tone and the thoughts and the fact that _Saeran wasn’t looking at him_. “But you’re not hurt right?” he asked. “As long as you’re not hurt.”

 

Finally.

 

Saeran’s mint eyes met his, flashing irately at him.

 

 _Shut up_ , snapped the thoughts that weren’t his.

 

Saeyoung smiled.  _No_ , he sent back.

 

“You constantly say how I’m you and you’re me,” Saeran pointed out derisively. “But then you step on the same glass you tell me not to step on. You call _me_ beautiful and say it’s not narcissism. And you say things like _that_ —“ he emphasized, sounding disgusted. “—Why are you contradicting yourself?”

 

It’s a challenge.

 

It’s a dare.

 

Saeyoung senses the smug hope that he won’t have a rebuttal.

 

Saeyoung feels the feeble desire that he will.

 

Saeyoung hears his pulse beat strong and steady in his chest, as if the hours of sleeplessness and moment of chaos was nothing in the face of his love for—

 

“We may be two halves of each other, but you’re the one who’s my better half.”

 

* * *

 

“Saeyoung.”

 

“Yes, Saeran-ah?”

 

“Why did your cleaning cat call me spicy?”

 

* * *

 

The Heartbeat became more frequent the first night Saeyoung started sleeping his room after every nightmare.

 

It became longer the first time Saeyoung brought home groceries so that they could cook together (the last time he ever let the idiot near a stove).

 

It became louder the first night they watched a movie together.

 

It became stronger the first time Saeyoung read a story to him after a particularly bad nightmare.

 

And, after four weeks of taking his medication (Saeyoung marked the date on the calendar with a stupid cartoon drawing of the them both), that was when the Heartbeat came under his control.

 

That is where the illusion begins.

 

Saeran couldn’t even control whether or not he wanted to mend the tattered bond between him and his estranged brother. It was just going to happen whether he liked it or not. The Heartbeat was a physical and mental symbol of that.

 

That was why…Nothing.

 

 _Nothing_.

 

That is how much he could control in his life.

 

But what horrified Saeran the most was that…

 

“Hey.”

 

…he felt _okay_ with that.

 

Saeran pulled down his shirt over his head, then turned to see Saeyoung leaning against his doorframe. Saeran didn’t feel like returning a greeting, instead simply walking over to him.

 

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk?” Saeyoung asked, placing a hand on Saeran’s shoulder. Saeran didn’t bother moving away this time. “It doesn’t have to be me if you don’t want it to.”

 

Saeran was too tired to play this game. “If I don’t want to talk about it with you, then what the hell makes you think I want to talk about it with someone else?”  He had a therapist before. And that didn’t quite go so well.

 

Instead of Saeran’s words bringing a triumphant smile to his face, Saeyoung instead winced.

 

Saeran actually felt rather touched about that.

 

“Then at least keep talking to me in mind? It doesn’t even have to be face to face. We can text each other, even,” Saeyoung suggested.  “Whatever you’d feel, I guess…more open with.”   

 

Actually, no, _that_ made Saeran feel rather touched.

 

Saeran dropped his eyes from his brother’s intimidatingly _caring_ stare and he nodded.  _Thank you_ , he wanted to say. “Is your foot better?” he asked instead, his peripheral catching the bandaged feet in question.

 

He felt Saeyoung squeeze his arm comfortingly before pulling away.

 

He tried not to make a grab for that hand.

 

“Yeah. I may not have the monstrous healing powers of Zen but—“ Saeran looked up to see Saeyoung grin brightly at him. “—he doesn’t have his better half taking care of him.”

 

 _Why_ …Saeran gulped. _Why do you have to do this to me?_

 

“I will slam the door on you,” he threatened, putting his hand on the door knob for good measure.

 

Saeyoung put up his hands in resignation, giving a laugh.

 

Saeyoung’s laugh—as boisterous and sincere as it was in their childhood—always did things to Saeran’s insides and it made him want to _punch_ Saeyoung just to make that warmth stop.

 

 _Why_ , Saeran begged internally. _Why do you have to do this to me?_

 

“Alright, I’ll go, I’ll go.” Saeyoung’s smile softened with affection, bringing his eyebrows together to highlight just how _tenderly_ he looked at Saeran.  Saeran’s fingers shook with the realization just how much he _needed_ Saeyoung to keep looking at him like that. “Good night kiss?”

 

Wordlessly, Saeran tilted his head forward, closing his eyes.

 

“Thank you,” Saeran felt Saeyoung whisper against his forehead, before leaving a kiss where his breath gently wafted over his skin. “Good night, Saeran-ah.”

 

“Night,” Saeran barely got out, opening his eyes to watch Saeyoung walk away. He felt something twist painfully inside his chest as he saw the slight limp Saeyoung had. He made careful observations as he watched Saeyoung make his way to—“Wait, don’t you _dare_ go back to doing your project right now!” Saeran snapped, stepping out from his room to point accusingly at his brother.

 

Saeyoung spun around his heel, jaw dropped and doing its own impression of a goldish. “Wha—I— _huh_?”

 

Saeran jabbed his pointer finger to the door across his bedroom, where Saeyoung’s bedroom was. “Get your ass. To your bed. Right now.”

 

Saeyoung helplessly hung his hands at the side. “But I—I’m not—“

 

“I will _drag_ you into your room like a demon dragging you into hell,” Saeran quite imaginatively described. He was impressed even with himself.

 

By the upwards twitch of Saeyoung’s lips…so was he.  “You’re an angel, not a demon,” he denied, walking back over to Saeran.

 

Saeran rolled his eyes, but he stood tall, back straight as glared unrelentingly at Saeyoung.

 

Saeyoung sobered. “I won’t be able to finish the work in time if I sleep,” he said seriously, looking expectantly at Saeran.

 

As if that would be enough to sway him.

 

“Then we’ll push back the date,” he said irritably, ignoring the pang in his chest at the sight of Saeyoung’s absolute _shock_ at hearing his reply. He had a feeling that it wasn’t just because it was coming from him, either. Maybe someday…someday he’ll ask Saeyoung about his experiences with the Agency. “Go the fuck to sleep.”

 

“I…alright?” Saeyoung asked.

 

Saeran raised an eyebrow expectantly.

 

Saeyoung slowly walked sideways to where his bedroom was, never taking his eyes off Saeran and Saeran following Saeyoung’s every movement. As his shoulder finally met metal, he flailed his arm a little as he tried to find the doorknob.

 

Saeran decided to give one last promise.

 

“If I see you anywhere near your workstation tonight,” Saeran growled. “I fucking _swear_.”

 

And he’d know too.

 

The Heartbeat would rat his brother out.

 

It was actually kind of funny—that, technically, it would mean _Saeyoung_ was the one ratting himself out.

 

“You’re such a good waifu to me,” Saeyoung teased, before taking his giggles inside his room as Saeran advanced on him.

 

Saeran sighed and shook his head at the carefree giggles behind Saeyoung’s door.  He stared at it for a while, the urge to smile gone as the sound of his brother’s laughter teetered off.

 

Yes. It really did terrify him.

 

Because the longer he went having moments like these with Saeyoung…

 

…the greedier he became in wanting _more_ of those moments.  

 

* * *

 

The next week fell into a pattern.

 

On some seemingly random nights, Saeran would wake up from a nightmare. They were not bad enough for him to wake up screaming, or running to the bathroom to puke his guts out. But no matter how silent he was, Saeyoung would unfailingly come stumbling in with a pillow and a blanket.

 

Saeran would tell Saeyoung to go back to his bed, that he was _fine damn it_ , but Saeyoung would simply give Saeran a kiss on his forehead, saying _I know_. Then Saeyoung would settle himself onto the floor and fill the room with the—not that he would ever admit it—comforting sounds of quiet snores. Without it—again, not that he would ever admit it—he wouldn’t _dare_ go back to sleep, not even with the Heartbeat at his back.

 

All the while, he would swallow his request for Saeyoung to climb into bed with him.

 

The thought of Saeyoung’s body right _there_ , next to him, for hours…

 

…it was too much for him to think about.

 

On the nights that Saeran was blessed with a night without nightmares…he was cursed with a fucking twin who would somehow, on the damn dot, wake up after six hours of sleep, thus waking up Saeran through the change of the Heartbeat. It never used to, but his meltdown obviously decided to add another feature to kick him in the ass.

 

Thus, Saeran would bury his face in his pillow, making a string of cusses in Saeyoung’s name, then try a get a couple more hours of sleep.

 

If he couldn’t, he was just lie in bed, simply watching the dancing blobs in his dark room. He would make a game of figuring out which shape the shadows split into, just…existing there. In a room that was, both, his and not his.

 

He wouldn’t even try ignoring the Heartbeat. There was no point in it. Maybe that was the Heartbeat’s plan.

 

Keeping him docile so that it could take him over, leaving him vulnerable to attacks against the walls structured around his heart. Namely, Saeyoung’s attacks. And once Saeyoung was done with him…

 

…He’ll be free.

 

That was the only thing that gave Saeran comfort. The only thing that could force him out of bed to make dinner, to bullshit with the idiot he was related to, and start this routine all over again.

 

Once the day came Saeyoung would hurt him again, it will be the last thing he’d have to overcome in this accursed flesh.

 

He knows Saeyoung wouldn’t mean to do it on purpose.  He knows—very well now, more than Saeyoung could ever fathom—that V and Rika were to blame for their misfortune. Either way, it’s neither his nor Saeyoung’s fault; they were just never meant for a happy ending.

 

As long as he thought of this happiness, this love, as only an ephemeral wish come true, then he won’t be hurt once the inevitable comes to pass. He will simply feel a calm, a _relief_ , because then he could finally be free. Saeyoung will let him be.

 

Saeran certainly won’t be in paradise, but Saeyoung will.

 

And after Saeyoung has lived his life—perhaps after marrying MC (he ignored the pain the thought gave him)—they will somehow meet in whatever afterlife awaits both of them. They have always found a way and Saeyoung was too stubborn not to pave a route back to him.

 

Saeran always smiled at the thought of it.

 

_Clack!_

 

“Saeyoung.” Saeran barely held back a sigh as Saeyoung kept his eyes intent on the screen, not even twitching at Saeran’s presence. “How are you unable to focus when bothered by your RFA friends, yet any distraction I provide doesn’t exist to you.”

 

“Don’t count,” Saeyoung intoned, not missing a beat in his typing. “You’re me, I’m you.”  He reached for his Buddha chips.

 

Saeran waited—then slammed his hands down right when Saeyoung began rummaging in the bag.  “Eat the food I made,” he demanded, smirking at the whine that left Saeyoung’s lips.

 

Saeyoung pulled his hand against his chest, cradling it as if he was a wounded puppy. It was pretty believable with his petulant pout. “I will if you say you made it with love.” Saeyoung stuck out his bottom lip further, full attention on Saeran rather than whatever he was typing.

 

 _Of course I did, why the hell do you think I made it in the first place, idiot_ , his thoughts groaned out with an eyeroll. “Just. Eat. It,” he emphasized aloud between each pause, glaring at his brother…

 

…Who, for some reason, beamed at him. “Okie!” he chirped, rolling out the platform beneath his keyboard and placing his plate of tofu stew. He patted the empty spot next to his bowl. “Where’s yours?”

 

Saeran shift one foot to the other, suddenly feeling…shy? Is that what this feeling is?  Fucking Saeyoung.  “I’m not hungry.”

 

 Cooking always tended to take out whatever hunger he felt. Between the scent of the food and test-tasting it, the thought of having to actually eat a plateful or bowl of it made him want to puke. He always had a small stomach.

 

But, of course, Saeyoung wasn’t accepting that.

 

At the sight of Saeyoung’s frown, spoon hovering over the soup, Saeran really did let out an annoyed groan and grabbed an unopened bag of Buddha chips. “I’ll eat these. Happy?”

 

Just the opposite. Saeyoung looked guilty—for what, Saeran had no damn clue. “Alright,” Saeyoung agreed, hesitantly. He rotated the spoon in his hand. He looked down briefly at his soup before looking back up determinedly at Saeran. “Eat dinner later then, okay?”

 

Saeran took the second chair and rolled it over to sit in front of Saeyoung. Opening the bag of Honey Buddha, his knees bumped with Saeyoung’s and stayed there. “Fine.” He crunched into the chips, wondering how the hell Saeyoung had been sustaining himself on this stuff. “Just stop talking and eat.”

 

Saeyoung had the shamelessness to actually _salute_ at him and make an extra loud slurp at Saeran’s dry “Imbecile.”

 

* * *

 

A couple days later, Saeran woke up six hours on the dot after Saeyoung went to sleep.  The only thing that kept at bay his desire to strangle Saeyoung was that it mean he had a nightmare-free night.

 

Three hours after that, he woke up to the sound of the Heartbeat beating louder in his chest and he frowned at that.

 

But when opened his eyes and turned his head, he saw Saeyoung in his room, back turned towards him as he tried to carefully close the door. Realization struck him and he reached up to tiredly rub his eyes. So, the Heartbeat is louder because Saeyoung is near him? 

 

 _That’s…new_.  And damn annoying.

 

Saeran groaned at his misfortune. Why can’t him and Saeyoung ever be like _normal_ twins? What the fuck kind of twins have this ridiculous _side effect_!?

 

“Aw, I wanted to surprise you,” Saeyoung whined, coming over to kneel at Saeran’s bed. He crossed his arms on top of the mattress and laid his chin on his forearms. “Were you already awake?”

 

 _No, but you were_ , growled his mind. And with a growl in his voice, he said, “What do you want?”

 

For a second, Saeyoung just blinked confusedly at him. To a point where Saeran was about to throw his friggin’ pillow at his dumb face. But before he could get the opportunity, Saeyoung just shook his head and went back to happily exclaiming, “I’m done with Phase One!”

 

That. Sounded ominous.

 

“Does that mean we are one step closer to taking over the Honey Buddha factory?” Saeran deadpanned.

 

Saeyoung seemed to have _stars_ in his eyes.

 

“Fuck, forget what I said!” Saeran bemoaned his mouth and gave into the urge to stuff his pillow against Saeyoung’s face. Then he planted himself face-down onto the mattress.

 

“JK, JK, Saeran-ah, of course I won’t make you hack and infiltrate anything, even if it is in the name of Buddha Chips!” Saeyoung laughed out, taking the pillow Saeran attacked him with and holding it against his chest.

 

Saeran turned his head to the side, one eye buried into the mattress and the other looking unimpressed at his brother. “Of course you don’t,” he said derisively, unable to help the bitterness from welling in his chest. “Hacking, in your opinion, corrupts innocence. And you want to keep preserving my _innocence_ that you are so desperate to believe exists.” He didn’t mean to.

 

He hated the flinch his words caused Saeyoung.

 

But it was nothing compaed to his hate of Saeyoung treating him as if there was _anything_ like that left inside him.

 

He wondered…once Saeyoung realized there was nothing _good_ in Saeran left to save…would that be what finally made Saeyoung leave him?

 

“Were you ever innocent?” Saeyoung asked and it was enough to make Saeran lift his head up in shock.

 

“What?” Saeran drawled. Saeyoung couldn’t possibly…

 

“I’ve been thinking about it. If you ever had that,” Saeyoung continued, placing the pillow beneath Saeran’s head and gently pushing Saeran back down onto the cushiness. “But whenever I think of myself, I knew mine died a long time ago. So it’d be pretty dumb of me to say you were too, huh?” Saeyoung’s smile came with a bittersweet edge. “But do you think that matters to me?”  He raises a hand to plant a kiss on each finger.  “That, so long as you’re innocent, I’ll love you?” Then he reaches over to cup Saeran’s cheek. “Saeran-ah, it just makes me want to strive harder to help you find happiness.”

 

Saeran couldn’t take it. The gentleness. The sincerity. Each bathed in pools of gold.

 

He pushed away Saeyoung’s hand, relishing in the loneliness it caused him, not feeling his brother’s touch—his brother’s _kisses_ —on his skin. It felt so much more familiar than all of _this_. That loneliness, squeezing painfully around his ribcage, kept him company during those long, dark years without Saeyoung.

 

It felt _safe_.

 

“Then you’ll be a slave to that desire for as long as you keep yourself chained to it,” he spat, sitting up in bed and pulling his knees to his chest.

 

He felt the bed sink as Saeyoung sat behind him, his shoulder nudging his back. “I guess that means you’re stuck with me forever, then.”  Saeyoung pressed his forehead between his shoulder blades.  “You don’t have to have hope right now, Saeran. You’ve only had disappointment in your life, so I’ll hold enough hope for the both of us until you can believe again.”

 

Saeran buried his face against his knees, not even bothering for a rebuttal. Saeyoung was too damn _positive_ for his negativity to even make a dent on him. Not even his suicide attempt—his _homicide_ attempt, for crying out loud—was enough to take away Saeyoung’s faith in a better future.

 

“Is this what the power of friendship gives you?” Saeran shot back snidely. Not even the slight muffle in his words took away the venom in his voice.   

 

Sometimes, it’s easy for him to forget that Saeyoung has an entire life of his own, separate from Saeran. They’ve been practically spending every waking hour together in their own little world, that Saeran could believe it really _was_ just him and Saeyoung.

 

Then reality would hit at the most unexpected and most random of times.

 

“They’ll be your friends too,” Saeyoung said firmly, in the same tone he used to tell Saeran that the extra bedroom “ _was all his and no one else’s_ ”.  “Saeran-ah…” Saeran braced himself. “…The only reason why I can be positive…is because I’m able to hold you like this. Without you…I…I don’t know…how…” A choking noise from his throat stopped Saeyoung’s words abruptly.

 

Saeyoung clenched his hands into fists as he felt Saeyoung wrap his arms around his waist, tightly, as if any looser and Saeran would disappear.

 

 _Why do you need me in your life?_ Saeran asked, closing his eyes as Saeyoung held him from behind. He let out a bit of his tension through an exhale.  As far as he understood, people only want things in their life that would make it better.

 

But, if that’s so…why would Saeyoung want him around?

 

Almost every morning started off with an angst that would make any normal human being call quits.  Actually, no, even an abnormal one like his brother would call quits. But, without fail, Saeyoung would meet Saeran’s angst with words of faith. Every meltdown with a cleaning robot and a hug. Every nightmare with a soothing snore that would lull him into a nightmare-less sleep.

 

_Why?_

 

“Hey, Saeran-ah.” Saeyoung’s arms unwrapped around his and Saeran barely kept himself from latching on and snarling at Saeyoung for _daring_ to let go. “Come with me for a bit.”  From where his face was buried, he saw Saeyoung hold out his hand.

 

Saeran held back a sigh and slid his legs out from his blanket, nothing in but a loose t-shirt and boxers (he hated wearing pants to bed). He ignored Saeyoung’s hand as he stood up, keeping his eyes on the Longcat-lavalight instead. But even then, Saeyoung met that brush-off with a reassuring squeeze on his forearm.

 

This time, Saeran held back a scream.

 

_Why?_

 

“Until we can finally walk under blue skies together,” Saeyoung whispered, looking _nervous_ that Saeran couldn’t help but automatically be on guard. “I hope this can help alleviate the emptiness a bit.” Saeyoung opened the door, and with Saeran following, they both walked out into an entirely different world.

 

“Saeyoung…” Saeran whispered in awe, looking everywhere above him and unable to keep his eyes on one thing.

 

“It took me a while to figure out how to do this…” Saeyoung started, trying so hard to keep his apprehension from his voice.

 

_Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump…_

 

But the Heartbeat showed Saeran the nervousness that Saeyoung was actually doing pretty well in otherwise hiding.

 

“I can tell,” Saeran was barely able to whisper. His fingertips tingled with rising excitement and he wondered how he looked like right now.  He wondered because…he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling.

 

It felt like he wasn’t…real…

 

…because how can he possibly be in the same place of such beauty?

 

Above him, clouds drifted by in gradually fluctuating shapes amongst a seemingly endless stream of bright blue.  Fluffy white captured highlights of a sun that wasn’t anywhere to be seen, but instead seemed to glow from within with its own light.

 

“The sky will change according to the time and the actual weather nearby,” Saeyoung began to ramble. “Right now, the weather’s good but there’s about 42 different skies to choose from. I can show you where the program is so you can switch between them however you’d like. I even have an underwater version, you know, to…well, make it seem like you’re sleeping in an aquarium. That’s cool, right?”

 

He saw a butterfly make circles overhead and, from _somewhere_ , he could hear the small sound of its fluttering wings. He watched as it danced for a while with a shining dove and Saeran fell in love with its crooning. His eyes widened, his lips parted, as it flew from its sky to fly near his head, looking almost curiously looking at him, before continuing on its way.

 

“Oh, right. Choosing animals was more difficult. I have, I think…57 animals? Even sharks for the underwater version. You’d make a great tiger shark, Saeran-ah. Oh! There’s also flying saucers for the outer space version. You can’t actually touch them, of course, there’s no technology out yet that allows that. But once it comes out, then I’ll definitely install it.”

 

The flap of wings became quieter the further the bird flew, before completely disappearing as it escaped into the living room, where Saeran could catch a seamless continuation from the hallway. He could only imagine how much more expansive the sky could be with the much wider and taller ceiling Saeyoung could play with.

 

“The sound though…that doppler effect was horrible. There were 25 different parts I had to figure out how to connect together. I even went back into block programming just to have a better visualization for how everything fit together. But once I did, it was just pretty much repetition. The animal effects and sounds cycle randomly through around 5,000 combinations.”

 

But instead of running after it, like his legs begged him too, he could only stay glued to where he was, going back up to the amazingly realistic hologram floating above him.

 

Every shadow in the fluffiness of the clouds.

 

Every recede then rise of light that would sometimes move through a prism of colors.

 

Every patch of pale grey that would give character to the bright blue.

 

Everything.

 

It was like a dream.

 

“This…isn’t real,” Saeran told himself, not looking away from the sky. “I’ll wake up soon and this will just be a dream.” He felt the words fill his eyes until it overflowed. He felt the agony leave a warm trail on his cheeks. “There is no way you would do this for me. This isn’t real. This is just a dream.”

 

“Saeran, no!” he heard Saeyoung yell. The top of his bright red hair was visible in his peripheral in front of him. “Saeran, this is real, it’s real and you are not dreaming. You remember waking up don’t you?”  Saeyoung’s hands were on his shoulders, squeezing tightly and even almost shaking him. “I did this because I wanted to and because _you deserve to be happy_.”

 

Saeran finally lowered his chin and looked into Saeyoung’s frantic, golden eyes.

 

But Saeyoung could see that Saeran wasn’t with him.

 

“Saeyoung deserves to be happy,” Saeran murmured.

 

Saeyoung nodded vigorously. “And since you’re me and I’m you, that means _you deserve it too_.” His heart fell when he saw Saeran shake his head.

 

Saeran slid his eyes closed and repeated, as if a mantra, “This is a dream and it is not real.”  More tears began to escape. “This is a dream and it’s not real.” Saeran’s voice began to shake. “This is a dream and it’s not real.” Sobs began to shake his frame. “This is a _dream_ and it’s not _real_.”

 

Saeyoung felt his own sob lodge itself in his throat. _This is not about you_ , he ferociously reminded himself and, instead, he hugged Saeran tightly to him.

 

He couldn’t help but hate _everything_ and _everyone_ that made Saeran feel _this_ broken over receiving a gift.

 

Including himself.

 

“What can I do, Saeran?” he begged into his trembling brother’s hair. “Please. Please tell me. What can I do?”

 

Moments trudged by just like this, with Saeran silent and simply standing there in Saeyoung’s arms, who was whispering his own mantra now that hopefully, _just hopefully_ , Saeran was listening to.  “You are real,” he kept repeating. “I made this for you because you deserve it,” he pleaded for Saeran to believe, even just a little.

 

Then, suddenly, Saeyoung felt Saeran lay a palm on his stomach.

 

He stopped talking.

 

Saeran’s hands began to travel upwards.

 

He stopped breathing.

 

“Your heart is beating sadly,” Saeran murmured, pressing his hand more firmly where Saeyoung’s heart would be. Saeyoung felt oxygen fill his lungs again, especially when Saeran pulled away and he could finally see his eyes, so so exhausted but _there_.  “Sorry.”

 

Saeyoung gulped and cradled Saeran’s precious hand with both of his. “No. I. I should’ve warned you. I…” he stopped as Saeran’s expression darkened.

 

“Don’t say sorry for giving me this,” he said. Then he let out a sigh and averted his eyes downwards, where Saeyoung was holding his hand as if it were a fucking gift from God. “Yes. This. It helps the emptiness.”

 

It was the best _Thank You_ Saeyoung has ever received.

 

Saeyoung, without permission, did release a sob and he let out a “damn” as Saeran snapped a worried expression at him.

 

Saeyoung felt his face burn in shame. He began to fidget with Saeran’s fingers. “Didn’t mean to let that out,” he mumbled.

 

Saeran just pursed his lips, before quietly saying, “It’s okay.”  Hesitance began to filter onto his countenance, before he shook his head a little and raised it to wrap his free hand around both of Saeyoung’s hands. “You also…installed projectors in my room.”

 

“And a control panel next to your bed.” Saeyoung struggled to find a response in the face of Saeran’s sudden calmness and he scrambled to get himself on the same level. “It has the same programs the hallways, bathroom, and living room does.”

 

“Bathr…nevermind.”  Saeran shook his head and he gently started to lead Saeyoung by their connected hands. “Let’s go.”

 

Saeyoung’s eyes widened as Saeran began to lead him back into his bedroom. “Saeran…?”

 

Saeran simply pulled Saeyoung through into his room. It struck him that they must’ve made a funny image. Saeran’s unreadable eyes glinting with a plan with Saeyoung trailing behind him with both hands holding Saeran’s one hand against his chest.

 

Saeran smiled to himself.

 

“Kick the door closed behind you,” Saeran instructed and, almost instantaneously, Saeyoung did so.

 

“Hi, Longcat,” Saeyoung greeted, waving towards the inanimate object. He looked apprehensively at Saeran.

 

“Stupid.”

 

Saeyoung could almost giggle at how relieved he was to hear that.

 

Saeran sat on his bed and opened the newly mounted panel beside his bed. It revealed a touch screen that blindingly glowed in the darkness and Saeran pulled out the keyboard Saeyoung installed beneath it.

 

“Do you want me to show you?” Saeyoung asked, even as he watched in awe as Saeran pulled out the algorithm and seemed to skim through it quickly.

 

All while allowing Saeyoung to keep holding his hand.

 

“It’s self-explanatory,” Saeran responded, exiting out from the programming screen and going back to the home menu.

 

Despite the prickles of anger over knowing _what_ brought Saeran to a point where he could effortlessly understand these things…

 

…Saeyoung couldn’t help the swell of pride either.

 

Saeran was always a smart one. He was like Jaehee. While Saeyoung was only good at one thing, Saeran…had the potential to be a little good at _everything_. And, after working hard, he could be damn _excellent_ at something.

 

His ego was bruised when Saeran was simply Unknown, able to copy his hacking methods and even take _advantage_ of it.

 

But this man (he promised himself never to call Saeran a boy anymore)…as his twin and as Saeran…

 

…Well, it just made sense that the only person who could beat him was _his better half._

 

“You never fail to amaze me, Saeyoung,” Saeran genuinely complimented.

 

Saeyoung somehow squeezed Saeran’s hand to his chest tighter, wishing he was a cat so that he could _purr_ at his brother’s words. “I was just thinking the same about you, Saeran-ah.”  At the sight of Saeran bashfully smiling at the screen, Saeyoung grinned even harder to a point of his cheeks starting to hurt.

 

“Okay,” Saeran murmured. “This one.”

 

With the press of a finger…

 

“Oh my _God,_ Saeyoung,” Saeran whispered, almost reverently, as they both gazed at the sight before them.

 

It was a milky way.

 

As if there was an invisible tear in their room that allowed for an explosion of stars, not leaving any inch empty of its brilliance. Curving lines of ethereal color seemed to emanate from the origin, making Saeran think of the northern lights _right here in his bedroom_ without the freezing cold. Each star glimmered as if it was truly giving off fire from lightyears away and…

 

…Saeran raised his hand and captured a star.

 

A glimmering jewel right on his palm.

 

“I got it off NASA and a bunch of other space companies.” Saeyoung’s voice was also at a whisper, but instead of looking at the holograms floating before him…he looked at the stars illuminating Saeran’s eyes. “I first tried to hack the satellite feed so that it could just match where it was traveling, but that turned out to be pretty boring. So I just took the most interesting photos and made a sort of panorama of it. There’s about 4,000 images it’ll cycle through.”  Saeyoung suddenly caught the glow-in-the-dark stickers on the ceiling and he snickered. “Hey! Smiley-you is in the middle of the big-dipper!”

 

Saeran let go his star and covered his eyes instead, honest to god _sniffling_.

 

It wasn’t the damaging sobs that shook his ribs and caused an ache in both his heart and the Heartbeat.

 

It was an embarrassingly emotional and childish _sniffle_.

 

He felt Saeyoung lightly grab his wrist. He paused for a moment, silently asking for permission, and Saeran responded by allowing Saeyoung to pull away his appendage. And the first thing he saw was Saeyoung’s smile, looking both so _pained_ and _happy_ with his eyebrows furrowed together. “There’s my Saeran-ah.”

 

And Saeran blurted out the first thing that came to mind. “Go rest.”

 

With barely a second of confusion, Saeyoung let out a groan at that. “Saeran-ah, if you keep making me rest like this, we’ll have to keep pushing back the date.”

 

“Then that’s what we’ll keep doing.”  He slipped his hand out from under Saeyoung’s grasp and instead got onto his bed, crawling over to the other side and covering his legs under his blanket. He looked expectantly up at Saeyoung. “We’ll be fine.”

 

Saeyoung’s breath got caught in his throat. “Saeran…”

 

Saeran simply nodded, biting his bottom lip.

 

Saeyoung’s eyes hardened. “Saeran-ah, no.” Saeran leaned back on one hand, silently rolling his eyes. He knew this was coming, but it would be _nice_ if Saeyoung could just take his word as is. “Just because I made these sky holograms for you doesn’t mean you owe me _anything_.” His voice softened with earnest reassurance. “You could tell me to never touch you again. And I would still _gladly_ lose sleep for you.”

 

But, admittedly, it was damn sweet of his brother to always put Saeran’s comfort first.

 

“I can’t promise I’ll be okay with sleeping beside you tomorrow,” Saeran responded, gifting Saeyoung with an earnest smile that he could _feel_ made his twin’s heartbeat quicken. “But tonight…I am.” _Tonight, I need you next to me_. _Just like this._ “Will you shut up now and lie down?”

 

Saeyoung felt his breath catch in his throat as Saeran lied down on his side, their eyes connected the entire time.

 

“Yeah,” Saeyoung whispered, slipping off his jacket. “Yeah, okay.”

 

“Take off your pants too,” Saeran ordered, raising an eyebrow at the sound of Saeyoung choking on thin air. “I don’t like the feeling of pants against my skin. Take them off.”

 

Saeyoung had to relieve the tension somehow.

 

“That’s what he said,” he muttered as he unzipped his pants and let it fall to the floor.

 

Saeran rolled his eyes and flipped part of his blanket away so Saeyoung could simply crawl in. “Do your delicate sensibilities feel better, brother?”

 

Saeyoung sat on the edge of the bed and turned his body so his legs could just slip in beside Saeran’s. As he settled himself beside his brother, pulling the covers over them, he felt Saeran’s legs against his. And his heart began to _race_ at that touch. “When you call me brother,” Saeyoung admitted, supporting himself on one arm as he looked down at Saeran. “It actually does.”

 

“Kinky,” Saeran deadpanned.

 

Saeyoung _dropped_ onto the mattress, one arm trapped beneath his fallen body, the other raised to cover his eyes with the heel of his palm. “You did _not_!”

 

Saeran couldn’t stop it anymore.

 

He laughed.

 

“I did.” 

 

Saeyoung immediately removed his hand, struck dumb at that beautiful sound. His embarrassment suddenly felt so small next to the awe he felt at Saeran’s happiness. And he felt so damn _blessed_ for being able to witness it.

 

 _In the name of the holy father, son, and spirit. Amen. I thank you, Oh mighty Lord, for giving me this gift. This gift is worth more than any car I could possibly buy. Bless Saeran, O Lord, for him to smile like this for the rest of his future_.

 

“Saeran-ah?” Saeyoung quietly started as Saeran calmed down. They were both simply staring at each other now. He scooched over until he could press his knees against Saeran’s and, through the darkness, their hands found their way to each other. “Is this how you wanted it? Just like this?”

 

Saeran was surrounded by stars. His fingers were entwined around Saeyoung’s with his brother illuminated from behind by an incredible background. And he could feel as the Heartbeat melded with Saeyoung’s pulse, both one in the same.

 

_Ba-dump…Ba-dump…Ba-dump…_

 

“Yeah,” Saeran breathed. Is this how… _content_ felt? Is this happiness? Is this what it’s like…to have a moment where he could just _be_? “Just like this.”

 

“Good night kiss?” Saeyoung asked, moving in place to deliver his traditional reminder that Saeran is _loved_.

 

But Saeran moved his head up instead of down and he felt Saeyoung’s lips peck his mouth instead.

 

“Uhm…” Saeyoung blinked owlishly and he felt his throat quickly become a desert. “That’s not where I meant to go.”

 

Saeran couldn’t care less. But he could feel Saeyoung’s heartrate pick up in nervousness and that absolutely wouldn’t do at all.

 

So, for once in his life, he spoke out of courage rather than out of fear.  

 

“Stay with me.”  Saeyoung’s heartrate stayed just as fast, but this time, out of—

 

 _You make my life better_ , Saeran couldn’t stop himself from thinking.

 

He had a feeling that Saeyoung heard him.

 

“I’m yours,” Saeyoung spoke, voice shaking, tears rising, and composure barely put together.

 

Saeran stared at the stars glimmering in golden eyes.  “Idiot.”

 

_I’ve always been yours too._

**Author's Note:**

> My jeez, this fic is all over the place. It's not even done. ^^;; There are two more segments to this: one where Saeyoung, Saeran, and the RFA message-chat each other + a final scene where Saeyoung and Saeran take a walk outside. But SOMEONE (slaps own knuckles) wasn't able to get to those scenes today. As soon as I'm done, I'll upload that chapter as an "epilogue" to this one.


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